Resonant Humor

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EP



PRESS RELEASE: APRIL 1st, 2006

Louisiana, Texas, and Florida File Zillion Dollar Law Suit Against President Bush, Dick Cheney and Others
For Failing to Sign Kyoto Agreement, and “Negligent Failure to Curtail Global Warming In Time To Prevent Hurricane Katrina.” Other International Law Suits to Follow.

In light of recent scientific findings released in the current (April 3rd )issue of TIME magazine’s cover story “Special Report: Global Warming” (Be Worried, Be VERY Worried) by Jeffrey Kluger, the states of Louisiana, Texas, Florida, and Alabama, have now filed a law suit to recover damages from all hurricanes now seen to be caused by global warming. The article suggests there may be a link between carbon emissions and environmental disasters such as hurricanes, rising oceans, tornados, drought, and melting glaciers. The defendants listed in the suit include George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Carl Rove, Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil, Texaco-Chevron, Unocal, Chevrolet, General Motors, Ford, and numerous others. The suit specifically cites Mr. Bush as the primary defendant for blocking the signing of the Kyoto Agreement by the US, a treaty signed by 141 other countries, and one which would have forced the US to reduce greenhouse gasses to 1990 levels by 2012. The suit implies that these reductions would have decreased the likelihood of such massive destructions as we saw with Katrina. The amount of damages is estimated at one zillion US dollars.

In response, Bush’s law office, Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe has issued a statement saying that “that tabloid” TIME magazine is an irresponsible, fly-by-night example of “yellow press,” that the scientific organizations quoted in the magazine article—Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, SCIENCE Journal, The Evangelical Climate Initiative, NASA, the Goddard Institute for Space Studies, the University of Alaska, the University of Kansas, the University of Washington, the US Forest Service, the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, the National Center for Atmospheric Research, and Britain’s National Oceanographic Center—are all “wacko environmental nuts,” and that these four “troublemaker” states are no longer part of the US as far as the Bush family is concerned. The President stated to reporters, “That’s the last time I’m gonna send my people down there to save their sorry asses when a natural disaster hits. I swear! What a bunch of ingrates, I tell ya’”

The TIME article, in fact, does make some startling and far-fetched claims, such as the existence of global warming, and the Bush family’s indignation is understandable, given that global warming has long been regarded as a myth in White House circles. “Global what? This is the first any of us down here in Crawford ever heard about it!” as Bush said recently during a White House staff baseball game, playing against the Cuban team from the World Baseball Classic, hoping to win back some degree of respect for American baseball players after their embarrassing loss in March to other countries. Bush was pitching out of a 9 to 0 deficit at the time.

“Global warming, even most skeptics have concluded, is the real deal, and human activity has been causing it,” the TIME article says. The Bush family response was precise and devastating. “Cows farting, what about cows farting? All that methane contributes to global warming. You can’t call that human activity,” said the elder George H.W. Bush from his farm,(state withheld by request of the family) in response.

According to the article, several Greenland ice sheets have doubled their rate of slide. According to Science Journal, “by the end of the century, the world could be locked into an eventual rise in sea levels as much as 20 feet.” When confronted with this quote, a certain First Lady responded, “See, why should we rebuild New Orleans? God meant for it to be destroyed anyway! They can’t sue us! We’re royalty!”
What is the basis for TIME’s spurious claim that global warming is a reality? They state that “of the 20 hottest years on record, 19 occurred in the 1980s or later,” and that NASA claims 2005 was one of the hottest years in more than a century. TIME states that “The Antarctic holds enough ice to raise sea levels more than 215 feet.” In response, George Bush answered, “But Antarctica is so far away, that water will never reach us!”

TIME also cites evidence that the snow packs in the Rockies are melting, a fraction of what they were in the 1940s, and some snowpacks have vanished entirely. The White House Press Secretary said, “There is no tourism money in snowpacks! Who cares?”

The article reveals a number of alarming theories about “tipping points,” “feedback loops” and “boobie traps” which indicate that the warming process (in the oceans and atmosphere) is increasing by leaps and bounds and is now irreversible. But how does this relate to hurricanes? TIME states, “Ocean waters have warmed by a full degree Fahrenheit since 1970, and warmer water is like rocket fuel for typhoons and hurricanes. Two studies last year found that in the past 35 years, the number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes worldwide has doubled while the wind speed and duration of all hurricanes has jumped 50%.”This statement, quoted in the plaintiffs’ suit, is the only real evidence they have, and plan to call upon the authors as expert witnesses in the trial, which will be televised nationwide. The Bush lawyers have categorically denied this, and have said that there is no concrete evidence that warm water causes hurricanes. In fact, they said, “Warm water is good in a bath when you have a backache.” They plan to use Michael Creighton as their expert witness.

The plaintiffs also plan to claim that there is a connection between internal combustion and carbon emissions, and that carbon emissions are related to global warming, and that warming is related to ice melting, and that ice melting can cause ocean levels to rise, eventually flooding hundreds of coastal cities, for which they are also ready to sue. The Bush law team responded, “I hope no one is stupid enough to fall for that old trick. There is no connection between anything and anything. Next they’ll be saying we stole the election in Florida in 2000, so that Al Gore could would not apply his knowledge of the greenhouse effect and curb carbon emissions before disaster occurred, which would have hurt Halliburton and Texaco.” (April Fools!}